Christmas is over

finally :)

No, we had a great Christmas with our boys...we ripped open the last of the presents today, and they truly liked everything we picked out for them...which was a relief and a miracle :)

Jon's flight got in only 40 minutes later than it was expected, a far cry from my sister's canceled flight on Monday.  Amy will be flying in tomorrow and will spend a week with us.  We are so excited that we have more time off while she is here...so it looks like we will be exploring the Big Apple!

My four days of solitude were interesting...I whittled down my Netflix Instant Que, crocheted my little hands off, enjoyed a mani and a pedi...and wished Jon was there for every second of it.  Jon enjoyed time with his family in Arkansas, and shared with me how wonderful his grandmother's funeral was.  I thought that it was especially special that so many of his family members were involved in the service.

The snow is melting away, and we didn't even get to make a snowman...but I'm sure there will be LOTS more!

Much love,
Emily Elizabeth

a day without Jon

The three boys that spent Christmas with us and I woke up at 3:30 am this morning to take our Jon to the airport for his flight to Little Rock for his grandmother's funeral.  After coming home and all going back to bed, the day started with the impending doom of the winter's first snow storm.  Lucky for me, our other two boys were not able to return home tonight, so I only had to wrangle three boys on my own...but the snow kept me on edge.

Usually I would not care about snow because Jon is the adventurous, "forge three hours in the snow to go somewhere like On the Border" kind of guy...I on the other hand don't even like to drive to work if there is promise of more than an inch of snow in the day...

So here I am, sitting in our home, watching 6 inches plus of snow fall and praying that my sister's flight into Philly tomorrow isn't cancelled and that my Scion can make the trip to the airport and friends' house the two of us will borrow for the next four days...that God will provide the needed time away that Jon is getting...and that I will not be stuck here for four days...alone

But, pushing all of this aside to clean and spend sometime with our boys...we enjoyed the beautiful winter wonderland and watched movies together in our warm home.  A spaghetti and meatball dinner with salad and garlic breadsticks was just the thing to end the day, with no one complaining about eating together...

It was nice to hear the boys say they miss Jon (even though I think that also meant that they missed the xbox he took with him)...and I sure did miss him.  Never in my life have I had a glimpse into what being a single mother would be like, until today...sure, I could do it, but I don't want to drive in the snow, I don't want to be without my hubbs...he is so good to me and the boys!

Please keep Jon and his family in your prayers...tomorrow they lay Grandma Singleton to rest in Mena, Arkansas...Jon is ministering the funeral...and is looking forward to three days of just family time...also keep my sister, Amy, in your prayers as she travels to Philly, and both of us as we explore the North East together over the next week!

Much love,
Emily

Merry Christmas

We have had a wonderful Christmas morning.  Duncan Donuts, stockings, Uno Attack, XBox Kinect...and bunches more food later.  We only have two boys spending the entire day with us...so that is nice...and they are definitely in the holiday spirit :)

Jon and I are waiting for family to Skype with us today...thank goodness for technology!

{We hope your family and you have a wonderful Christmas day, full of love, laughter and God's obvious presence!}  

Much love,
Jon + Emily

We are ready

{for Christmas}

things we love {about our boys}

I know there is a lot of frustration and craziness on this blog...so I would like to start a new habit of sharing what we love about our boys.  So, hopefully, you will be able to see the beauty that is in our home as we do!

I love that our boys beg me to play games like Apples to Apples and Monopoly Deal with them.  It is in these times that I see the innocence of their youth...and we laugh and fight over games, just like a family.

Much love,
Emily Elizabeth

What do you get when you combine an Emily who has 4 major projects due in a week...6 boys who act like they are all on crack...and one tired husband

CRAZY HOUSE, PA

That is all

We are thankful for

YOU!  We believe that the only way we are making it here is by the grace of God and YOUR support.  Your love and prayers mean more to us more than you will ever know, but please know that today, and everyday, we thank God for your faithfulness in keeping us on your hearts.

We love each and every one of you and wish you a wonderful Thanksgiving full of love, hope and shalom.  We will have a great day because we are here with only two of our children...WOO HOO!

Much love,
Jon + Emily

A Little Salt on my JELLO Part 2

I never took a class on Parenting 101.
 If I did though, I'm guessing the first lesson would be:

 "DON'T LOSE YOUR KID"

That would mean I had just failed the first lesson of Parenting.  I had lost one of my kids! He wasn't in sight.  Add on top of that the fact that it was night time.  He was somewhere roaming around at night in an angry stupor.  Where would I go if I was him?  I looked around and noticed a Dollar Tree nearby.  Also, there was a grocery store and a good will store.  He might be in one of those.  It is dark and chilly.  He might have stepped in one of those to escape the cold

We looked in the stores, couldn't find him.  I called the agency's number to report a runaway child.  They told me to just wait at the restaraunt and hope he returns.  So, we did.

Twenty minutes later, I saw him walking out the front door of the dollar tree.  Another guy in the house and I went to talk to him.  He got in a loud verbal argument with the other guy.  This runaway thought everyone was against him.  I tried to talk with him.

"Get away from me.  I don't want to talk to anyone."
 (said angrily as he begins to walk back into the dollar tree)\

(I follow him) "I know your angry and want to be alone.  How about you and Emily head home all alone in her car.  It will be just the two of you."

"No.  Don't talk to me."  (He quickly darts down an aisle in an attempt to get away from me.)

I sigh and follow behind him.  I really want to just leave him and say see ya.  Have fun without anywhere to sleep or anything to eat and no money.  Hope you enjoy being angry in the cold with no food and no bed.

Instead, I tell him we have to go home.

"I'll walk home"

"You know it took us forty minutes to drive here.  How long do you think it will take to walk home?"

"Don't talk to me.  Get beepin' away from me."  He darts down another aisle.  People in the store are beginning to look at us.  My runaway is talking very loud.  This is getting ridiculous.

I go outside and find Emily.  Maybe this is a matter that requires a little feminine finesse.
 "Can you go and talk to him about going home just the two of you in your car?  He won't listen to me.  Maybe he'll listen to you."

Emily goes and suggests getting some candy and going home just the two of them.  Ahh, bribery...

it didn't work.  She got the same response.

  "Get away from me.  Don't talk to me."

I sent Emily and the guys home in the van.  I was going to wait for my angry runaway to calm down and get in the car.

I waited in the car in the parking lot.  I could see him in the store wandering around.  Periodically he would come out and look around.

Finally, he thought he was alone.  I saw him looking around outside the dollar store.  He actually looked worried.  He talked a big game, but now that he thought he was alone, he was scared.

I turned the car on and pulled up next to him.

"You ready to go?"

His face showed relief and then in a flash it switched to angry.

"Get away from me."

Really, again?

In total, I waited for an hour and a half outside waiting for him to calm down.  Eventually, I had to call the police to come and talk with him.  It was very frustrating because my natural response was to play hard ball and leave him.  You don't want to get in the car and go home?  Well, you're eighteen.  Ok, have fun.

The next time the guys were planning to go somewhere, he asked if he could go.  My response, "Nope.  I don't know if I can take you out in public.  I don't want to have a repeat of this weekend.  What happens if you get angry again and refuse to go home?"

He got huffy and puffy and went to watch Spongebob.  He is learning that if you don't act right out in the community, I just won't take you out anywhere.  Simple as that.

A Little Salt on my JELLO Part 1

So, quick update:  The kids involved in the milk and knife incident were asked to talk with one another and make-up... that's pretty much it.

This weekend, we went out to eat with our guys.  We took them to an all you can eat Chinese buffet.  They were super excited.  One of my guys was telling me how he was going to eat ten plates of food!

The whole meal was going wonderful.  The guys kept saying how great the food was.  We were joking and laughing.  We were becoming a closer community.  One guy ate a plate and a half of Chinese BBQ chicken.  He kept telling us we had to try it.

After everyone was full and couldn't eat another bite, we went up to get dessert.  Our six foot tall fourteen year old got an entire plate of jello.  He proceeded to shove half the plate of jello into his mouth at once.  Everyone laughed as his cheeks were bursting with jello goodness.

Another one of our guys is eighteen years old but mentally probably ten or twelve.  He likes to watch cartoons and LOVES spongebob.  He currently is excited about the new Harry Potter.  One day he sang a Hannah Montana song to us and danced the actual dance from the movie at the same time.  It was pretty impressive.  Well, he decided to go get some jello so he could eat a bunch at once like his fourteen year old friend.  He came back with a jiggling plate full of orange jello.  I was interested to see how much he was going to eat at once.  But before he ate any, he informed us he had to go to the bathroom first.

So, as the guys looked at his empty chair and his full jello plate, one of them decided to add a little seasoning to his jello.  They sprinkled salt all over the top of his jello.  Now, many a time I have seen teens pull this prank on each other during youth trips.  I've seen the classic "unscrew the top of the Parmesan cheese" gag; the person goes to put some cheese on top of their pizza and they get a mountain of cheese.  I've seen the "nickel slammed into the bottom of the plastic salt shaker" trick; the person goes for the salt and leaves a trail of salt spilling from the bottom.  This prank was just another silly prank in a long line of pranks...or was it?

Our Spongebob lovin', Hannah Montana singing comrade came back from his bathroom trip as the rest of the guys tried to gather their composure and stop smiling.  Someone dared him to eat the jello as fast as he could.  He smiled and obliged them.  He grabbed a square and popped it into his mouth.  Soon the salty bitter taste sank in and his smile faded as his face contorted in suprise.  The guys laughed.  I admit, I smiled a little myself.  I wouldn't be smiling for long.  Spongebob Jello Eater quickly became incredibly angry.

" You guys think this is funny!  This isn't funny!  Beep you guys!"

The rest of the guys continued to laugh.  I tried to calm him down.  He was in a rage.

"Come on, we can get you some more jello from the buffet"

"NO!  Beep all of you guys!  This isn't beepin' funny!  I'm going to beep you guys up!  I'm going outside to wait...away from you guys!"

The meal was almost over.  I knew that he needed some space.  I would give him a minute or two outside to calm down.  I would take him a fortune cookie when I went to see how he was doing.  He stormed outside.  The guys at the table were still laughing.  I really don't think they were trying to pick on their housemate.  They were just being playful.  Regardless of the intention, they had hurt his feelings and made him feel attacked by everyone...which is why he reacted the way he did.

After talking with them for a minute, I went out to talk with my hurt, frustrated, angry guy.  I wasn't sure what to say to him.  I didn't want to explain away his feelings or minimize what happened.  He may have been mad at me for allowing them to "tamper" with his jello.  Who knows what was running through his head?  I figured I would find out as soon as I walked out the front door.

I walked outside expecting to hear some more curse words.  Instead, I heard nothing.  And, I saw nothing.  My guy was gone.  He had disappeared.  I scanned the parking lot...nothing.  I went to the side of the restaraunt....nothing.  He had left.

Feelin the love!

Jon and I just wanted to say
THANK YOU
to everyone for their prayers and encouraging emails, texts, Facebook posts and letters.  We have such wonderful friends and family...God's love has been seen in all of you.

THANK YOU thank you THANK YOU

Milk, a Knife, and Obscenities

Emily and I were off this weekend.  It was wonderful and relaxing.

WHEN THE CATS AWAY THE MICE WILL PLAY...  and oh, did they ever play.

One of our guys was harassing another guy over milk.  Apparently, he did this for ten or fifteen minutes.  He just kept giving him a hard time.  He wouldn't leave him alone.

"Why do you drink so much milk?  Why don't you share milk?  Now there's no milk?"

I imagine several put-downs and curse words were mixed
 into this malicious monologue on milk.

The guy verbally berated and belittled; he wouldn't drop it.  Finally, something in the milk drinker snapped.

Milk drinker ran over to the dishwasher, grabbed a knife out, held it up and shouted.

 "Shut up!  Shut up!  I'm gonna cut your beepin'  throat!"

At this point, the relief houseparent walks in and asks the non-milk drinker to go outside immediately.

Did he go outside?....No.   Instead he stood there and said over and over, "he's threatening me with a knife.  he's threatening me with a knife."

Relief Staff:  "I know he's threatening you with a knife.  That is why i told you to go outside.  Now go outside."

Did he go outside? .... No.

The relief staff had to escort  him outside.

Once his agitator was outside, milk drinker dropped the knife (thankfully) and ran out to meet him.  There on the front lawn of suburban pennsylvania, two teenage males yelled obscenities and threats at each other for twenty minutes.

"I'm gonna kick your beep!"
"I'm not beepin' scared of you!"

No one called the cops.  Relief staff didn't call the cops.  The boys calmed down, and they were all ready for bed and in their bedrooms when I took over the house.

No one was physically hurt.

 But, who can tally the mental and emotional wounds of the day?  How long will those take to heal?

What will our organization do?  I'll keep you posted.

I walked through the house when I took over.  I searched for knives.  I found one in the dishwasher, found one in the silverware drawer.  I locked them up in the medicine closet.  No knives are accessible.

All of this over some milk.  Milk?  Really?

 I know it does a body good, but Come On.

Prayer

Jon and I feel like we are at a crossroads...would you please add us to your prayer list this weekend...we are praying for God's will to be clear to us as far as staying at the group home or looking for other opportunities.  We knew it would not be easy to take this job...but we also see how if things don't get better soon, we will lose our minds and be changed...and not for the better

A hard spot to be...but we know God is faithful and He will provide what we need.

Thanks friends.

Okay...as far as an update...this week we had the joy of working with the boys to find out who has been using the computer inappropriately....yeah...you know what that means...

It brought us to a circle...well, many circles....but the one we had at school today was different for me.  For the first time I felt like these boys were part of my family...I actually cared about them...I mean like, not just as being responsible for them.  I think that this circle was the first time I had seen the boys get honest...without holding anything back...yeah, it was a bit uncomfortable...but for them to know that we are here to help them work through their struggles...

We are working on destructing a culture of "sneakiness" and constructing a culture of honesty and safety.  For the first time since we've been here...I saw this as a possibility.  Jon's a little different...he's been in so many circles and heard that things are going to change so many times...so I guess I am more hopeful.

I also think that the boys really care about me...anytime I'm not chipper or hide in our bedroom, they ask where I am or what is upsetting me...they will make the other boys leave me alone when I am working on homework...they talk to me about personal issues...it's nice to be needed...so I guess that makes it easier for me to connect with them on a more family level.

I was writing my friend who is doing Mission Year a letter...I asked one of our boys what I should tell her about them...he responded, "Tell her we are having technical difficulties...but we will unite soon."

We know there is much hope for these guys...they just need to get over themselves and do what they know they need to do...that would be a great thing for you guys to add to your prayer lists too.

Much love,

Indoctrination Station

Indoctrinate:
1.	to teach (a person or group of people) systematically to accept doctrines,  especially uncritically

I have been thinking about this word "indoctrinate".  I feel indoctrination happens a lot more than we think.

I ask myself "Is indoctrination a bad thing?".  If those last two words at the end of the definition apply "especially uncritically", then I think it is.  When people are accepting principles and ideologies without critically thinking through them, how can that be a good thing?

I see it happening in our kids lives.  Without exception, our six teens are accepting the ideology they see portrayed on the electronic screens they stare at for hours everyday.  When they get away from the screens, they make sure to plug in their music which confirms the values they watched on the screen.  Beyond that, they hang out with peers who have accepted the same paradigms as them.

Values they have voiced to us in their words and actions:
1) Making money is very important.  Having lots of sex makes you cool.

One of our guys joked with me that he wants to get a girl pregnant in every state in the United States.

Another guy asked me which I would choose if I had the choice between being rich and having a loving family.
I told him I already made my choice.
He chuckled.

"Seriously, if I wanted to be rich, I wouldn't be here with you guys right now.  I would be pursuing a career that would get me the most money."

He laughed again.  "I would choose money.  I want to be rich."

He probably figures that with money, he could get all kinds of girls to have sex with him -- which may be a emotionally cheapened, temporal trade off for love.

2) Getting bigger and better things is very important.  You can tell your worth mainly by looking at the things you have acquired.

When someone gets something new, our guys always want to know how much it costs.
"You got new shoes?  How much did they cost?  Where did you get them?"

One of my guys bought a watch at Wal-Mart.  He told me he bought it on sale and it cost him $200.00.
Who knew Wal-Mart started selling such expensive watches?

3) Lying is ok as long as it helps you get what you want.  Snitching is one of the worst things you could do.

There are too many examples of our guys lying.  I don't want to remember any now.  It takes my energy from me when I think of all the lies.

The Question I find myself asking is:  How do we confront and ultimately change these mindsets?


I asked a circle of teens at a school, "How do you help someone who doesn't want to be helped, who doesn't know they need help?".

One girl answered, "Plant seeds".

I hope the seeds grow soon.  I'm getting tired of looking at the barren terrain.


I have a thought that i don't want to flesh out right now:

When people are indoctrinated into the church but don't think critically, it isn't a good thing.

Happy Two Month Anniversary

Two months...really?...only two months?

10 more to go...but who's counting

Roller Coaster

After taking the cable off of all the t.v.s until a plan was written on how to better use media outlets in the house...we plunged to the bottom...after wallowing and fighting at the bottom (which included temper tantrums, blaming lots of people and a middle finger in Jon's face) we shot to the top...with reconciliation, plans being completed, and Jon receiving apologies for several disrespecting incidents that happened over the last couple of days (including the middle finger in the face).

We are still at the top, thus far.

As the ride continues...we are learning...and I guess that's pretty much all we can expect...to learn

6 little teenagers living in a house (REMIX)

six little teenagers living in a house...

one gets mad and gets kicked out

five little teenagers living in a house...

one loses his job and then runs out

four little teenagers living in a house...

one gets mad and curses us out

four little teenagers living in a house...

two more are added when the house parents are out

six little teenagers living in a house...

house parents hope that this works out {for the best}

{to the tune of "5 little monkeys jumping on the bed"...Lyrics are a collaboration of Jon + Emily}

see original song here

A little from {Say Lovely}

{Psalm 13}

1 How long, O LORD ? Will you forget me forever? 

How long will you hide your face from me?

2 How long must I wrestle with my thoughts 

and every day have sorrow in my heart? 

How long will my enemy triumph over me?

3 Look on me and answer, O LORD my God. 

Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;

4 my enemy will say, "I have overcome him," 

and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

5 But I trust in your unfailing love; 

my heart rejoices in your salvation.

6 I will sing to the LORD, 

for he has been good to me.

It has been very hard...just one of these feats would be hard by themselves...but two...

This weekend we had one of our boys run away...but I still got all of my homework for Monday AND Tuesday classes done...only the Divine could have been involved in that, for sure

So it's not a matter of wondering if we are in the wrong place...it's a matter of who we are putting our trust in...the hubbs and I have for sure been praying more together since we took on this house parenting job...but we sense a lack of scripture in our lives and a lack of quiet time...and scriptures ,like the one above, prove to us that we NEED this good, rich nutrient to survive from day to day.

I have always seen such beauty at the end of myself and knowing that God is working in spite of me. The hubbs and I have come to end of ourselves in a short four weeks...so we are ready...GOD USE US PLEASE!

But what we continue to see is a broken world that has shaped the hearts and souls of these boys in our home...and God's unfailing love is the only thing that can remodel.

Oh God, my God...why has though forsaken me? Why would you bring us here, just to show us that we don't know anything about how to change the lives of these boys?

And He smiles down and says:

"Trust in my unfailing love, and your heart will rejoice in my salvation."

I will sing to the Lord, for He has been good to me.

Click here to see original post

6 little teenagers living in a house...

one gets mad and gets kicked out

five little teenagers living in a house...

one loses his job and then runs out

four little teenagers living in a house...

one gets mad and curses us out

four little teenagers living in a house...

when do you think they'll figure it out?

{to the tune of "5 little monkeys jumping on the bed"...Lyrics are a collaboration of Jon + Emily}

Out of the Overflow, The Mouth Speaks

"out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks. ³⁵The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in him, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in him. ³⁶But I tell you that men will have to give account on the day of judgment for every careless word they have spoken. ³⁷For by your words you will be acquitted, and by your words you will be condemned."
Matthew 12


Here we are in Pennsylvania.  I am reminded of the truth of scripture.  Several times in the past three weeks, this scripture has come to my mind.  


"Out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks."  


Emily and I are working with six teenagers whose hearts are filled with pain, bitterness, anger, frustration, selfishness, hurts, insecurities, fear...


And they speak to us and one another out of this fear, anger, bitterness.  


Their conversations, their words are so hateful, so hurtful, angry.


Two or three of our guys call another one of our guys a Fat A*@.  Of course, we get on to them.  But later, they do it again.  Or they tell him he could lose wait if he would just try harder.  He isn't even that overweight.   


But, I was checking our guys' internet history, and I found several sights like, "how to get a six pack" and "How to lose weight fast".  He really is insecure about his weight.  


I have talked to them all about the power of words.  I told them how one statement, positive or negative, spoken in the moment can stay with someone for years, or even decades.  


As I reflect on this scripture, I realize that telling them the power of their hurtful words will not stop them from speaking them.


They are speaking from their hearts, which are overflowing with the negative, the dark, or even as the scripture says, out of "the evil stored up in them".


To change their speech, we need not change their knowledge or understanding. We need to help them find a way to change their heart.  


A change of the heart is not something that can be forced.  

The results are in

I got my first paper back today...and I just knew I would open up my BlackBoard site and see a big fat
C
But alas, I did not...I opened my BlackBoard site to a beautiful
90 out of 100
I could not believe it!  I had even told my prof. that I knew it was a C...and he left me a comment on the bottom of my feedback paper, saying it was one of the better papers on the class.
Wow...I can do this
Thanks Jon for reminding me that I can even when I think I can't...you are awesome...and quite the handsome house husband :)

Sweet Spot

I was sitting in class yesterday, listening to my Leadership and Empowerment prof. talk...and I almost started crying...it was overwhelming...the feeling of knowing I was right where I needed to be.

I am in my sweet spot, as referred to by Max Lucado.

That is all for today...but I know Jon as much much more to share...hopefully tomorrow he can get on to blog

Much love,
Emily

Our Sabbath

Oh how I miss church...I never realized that it was a privilege to fellowship with other believers whenever we wanted...on the upside, I have school where I get to fellowship with WONDERFUL people...but the poor hubbs...not so much

Today was great though...no blow-ups...Jon took 3 of the boys grocery shopping and actually had a nice time with them...God knows we can't rest like we used to on our Sabbath...but He knew what we needed to catch a breath before another crazy week rolls around.

Praise be to Him who knows all things and provides for His children.

Money

Our youngsters only get $6 a week for allowance in this program...and yet...they think they earn it through doing their chores...they think they earn it through living

They think money is the motivation for everything...and this is very disheartening for us.

Please pray that our boys begin to encounter God and have a change of heart...we desire so much for God to use us in forming their ideals for something more than selfish "fulfillment".  I have to give praise for them thinking that we are weird and lame...at least they know we are different.

Much love,
Emily

Late Night Snack

We are working as houseparents for an organization that runs a hands-off program.  This means there are no paddlings, no training on take downs or arm bars to restrain angry teenagers.  I can't put them in headlocks and give them noogies until they do what I want them to do.

Our teens CHOOSE this program.  They go before a judge for whatever their offense, and they receive a couple of options.  Most juveniles choose this program over a juvenile detention facility.  They continue to go to school and live in a household like the one Emily and I are parenting.  There is meant to be high structure and high support in every aspect of this program.  Since teens choose this program, failure to follow the rules of the program can lead to discharge of teens.  In other words, if they don't want to fully participate, they can simply go to the juvenile detention facility.

Snore No More

Six teens, three upstairs rooms, two teens to a room.  That is our house.

Having a roommate can be a great thing. Some of my best friends are guys I roomed with in college.

It's Wednesday. This morning one of the teens asked to speak to me alone. We stepped into a hallway where we could talk semi-privately.

"what's up?"

"I want to sleep downstairs on a couch, or I need to change roommates."

"why?"

"I snore. My roommate is always throwing stuff at me to wake me up at night. I'm sick of him throwing stuff at me. I'm sleeping downstairs."

"You know you can't sleep downstairs. Let me talk to him."

After talking to his roommate, who said he was sick of him snoring and that ear plugs or headphones with an ipod would not remedy the situation, i went back to talk with Mr. SnoresALOT.

"Ok Mr. SnoresALOT, you said he throws stuff at you. What is he throwing at you? Socks, shoes? What?"

"Well, I think he his throwing rocks at me."

"Really?! Like pebbles?"

"No, I think they are pretty big rocks. I felt them hit on the top of my head twice last night."

"Really?! Well, let's go upstairs to your room and see if we can find any rocks up there."

After looking around SnoresALOT's bed and the floor of the bedroom, we found one item: A small metal monopoly gamepiece. Could SnoresALOT's roommate really have thrown a metal monopoly gamepiece at his roommate, gotten up out of bed, searched for on the floor in the dark only to throw it again at his snoring roommate?

It's time to bring the roommates together to talk.

Immediately SnoresAlot's roommate comes in with attitude and doesn't want to talk about solutions to the snoring saga.

Roommate: "There is not a solution. I'm just going to keep waking him up. I don't know why we are talking about this. We've already talked about it all before."

"You have? Well, can you tell me what happened in the past? Did you guys come up with a solution?"

SnoresALOT: "We decided to try out earplugs."

"You did. How did that go?"

Roommate: "It didn't work."

"Why not? Were they uncomfortable? Maybe we could try a different pair. Did they fall out of your ears at night? Was he still too loud even though you had earplugs?"

Roommate: "It just didn't work. I don't see why we have to have these stupid circles all the time. We are just wasting time. We've already talked about all this."

"We are circling up to try and figure out how we can solve this snoring issue. Well, where are the earplugs now?"

SnoresALOT already told me that the earplugs worked for a few days, and they didn't have any issues. Then one day he saw his roommate throwing them in the trash.

Roommate: "I don't know where the earplugs are now."

"Are they under your bed? Are they in your covers somewhere? In your dresser?"

Roommate: "I don't know. ok? This is stupid."

"We're just trying to solve this snoring problem. We found this monopoly gamepiece on the floor. Are you sure you didn't throw anything at SnoresALOT last night to wake him up?"

Roommate: "No, I just shake his bed or call out his name or tap him. I didn't throw anything at him."

SnoresALOT a little agitated: "Yes, he did throw something at me. Twice last night I felt something like a rock hit me in the head. I want to sleep downstairs on the couch tonight."

"You have to admit, It is a little strange that he felt something like a rock hit him on the top of his head last night. I don't think he would come to me this morning and tell me that you were throwing stuff at him to wake him up if nothing happened. We went upstairs to look for rocks or something. We found this small metal monopoly gamepiece."

roommate: Prolonged silence.

I could have jumped in and filled the silence, but i wanted to wait for some response from the roommate. The three of us sat in the silence for ten or fifteen seconds.

roommate breaking the silence: "I didn't throw anything at him. I just call his name or shake his bed to wake him up. I don't throw things at him. Why are we even doing this? This is such a waste of time."

"Ok. Well, you know SnoresALOT can't help that he snores. It isn't like he thinks, 'I'm going to annoy my roommate tonight by snoring.' He doesn't do that. He really can't help that he snores."

roommate agitated: "i know."

"Well, you can wake SnoresALOT up, but don't throw anything at him. SnoresALOT, just know that he is going to wake you up sometimes if he can't sleep. You guys both be thinking about possible solutions, and we can circle up the three of us in a couple of days to..."

roommate really annoyed cuts me off: "I'm not circling up again. I'm not. This is stupid. You can do what you want, but I'm not circling up."

Roommate starts to shift in his chair like he's getting ready to leave.

At this point, I know I have to be stern. I have to remind him who is in charge. We tried to talk it out, and SnoresALOT's roommate has not been cooperative at all. He just voiced to us that he doesn't want to cooperate in the future.

Very stern: "Ok, here's the deal."

He stops and sits back down and looks at me like I'm stupid and wasting his time.

Very stern throughout "If SnoresALOT does snore, you can wake him up. You can not wake him up by throwing anything at him. You can call his name, shake his bed, or lightly tap him on the shoulder. Don't tap him on the head, don't punch him.  You can lightly tap him on the shoulder. In a couple of days, I'm going to ask SnoresALOT if you have been throwing stuff at him to wake him up at night. If you have, WE WILL, and YOU WILL be coming together to talk about this again. SnoresALOT, if he throws stuff at you at night, don't wait for me to come and ask you, you come and tell me and we will deal with it. You guys can go get ready for the rest of the day, and roommate, if you need earplugs, you can come and ask me for them."

Roommate has a look of compliance but still a hint of annoyance. He says nothing, he gets up and leaves the room. I explaing to SnoresALOT why he can't sleep downstairs on the couch and remind him to tell me if there are any future issues.

Circle Up 4 Resolution

In our house and as an organization, we come together in a circle to talk about all sorts of things. Sometimes we circle simply to talk about how the day went, or house plans for the evening, or a big event coming up the next week. The purpose of a circle is to give everyone a voice and to place everyone on an even playing field.

We also circle up to work through problems and issues in the home. Our kids are often agitated when this happens. Many come from environments and home lives where you don't talk through problems. They may have years and years of simply ignoring problems, using fists instead of words, or when they do use words, they are hateful, hurtful, and make things worse. So, circling up to talk positively through problems can be frustrating to them because
1) it isn't easy,
2) it takes time,
3) they aren't used to it, and
4) our kids may have to circle up 4 or 5 times some days.

But despite the occasional frustration on a teens part, circles are a great thing. Circles bring accountability, communication, and when used to deal with problems, talking it through can often lead to the solution.